Dear Undercaffeinated Guy In The McDonalds Commercial: do you realize what a colossal jerk you are? No one can stand you until you've had your coffee. Even your poor roommate cowers before your bitchiness.
Don't get me wrong - I sympathize completely. Anyone who tries to talk to me before I've had my coffee will get only a surly grunt in reply.
You know what I did about that problem? I BOUGHT A FREAKIN' COFFEE MAKER.
"Don't talk to me, I haven't had my coffee yet," you keep snapping. I'm not sure if your self-awareness of this problem is a blessing or a curse. Potentially both. On the up side, at least you are aware that you are making other people's lives a misery, and you warn them accordingly.
On the down side, if you know that you make other people's lives a misery before you have your coffee, and you willfully continue to go all the damn way to McDonald's to get your first cup of coffee, what does that make you? Evil, maybe. A colossal jerk, definitely.
I have watched your ad repeatedly over the past few weeks. It's all over Hulu and the Daily Show commercial feed. I have had ample time to study your situation. According to my calculations, it is between half an hour to an hour after you wake up before you get your first cup of coffee.
Or is it? Let me bookmark a point of confusion. We'll circle back to it later.
Okay, so you wake up, you shower, you get dressed for work. (You save time by shaving. I applaud that, so far as it goes.) You snap at everyone you encounter. Judging by your apparel, you have an office job. Judging by the fact you commute by bus, you live in the city and either don't own a car, or don't take it to work.
Clearly, you are gainfully employed. Thus I can only speculate as to why you do not own a single coffee-making appliance, despite coffee's great importance to your life. I own several, in fact. They're really cheap and easy to find. You can pick up a French press at a thrift store for a few dollars, and a teakettle to boil water for a few dollars more.
The mystery as to why you don't own a coffee maker is one thing. A further mystery is why, if coffee is that important to you, you don't seemingly have a plan for obtaining it in the morning. Surely as you travel to work you pass several places that sell coffee. But apparently you prefer to wander along snapping at people until somehow coffee ends up in your gob.
And now the final mystery: how is it that you do not know that McDonalds serves coffee? Everyone in the whole entire world knows this. And yet you feign surprise. Your eyes even open wide, as if you're more awake just hearing about it. THIS IS CRAZY.
Mr. "Don't talk to me," I am vexed by your inability to find your way out of this predicament. Please send me your address, and I will mail you a jar of Folgers Crystals.
Don't get me wrong - I sympathize completely. Anyone who tries to talk to me before I've had my coffee will get only a surly grunt in reply.
You know what I did about that problem? I BOUGHT A FREAKIN' COFFEE MAKER.
"Don't talk to me, I haven't had my coffee yet," you keep snapping. I'm not sure if your self-awareness of this problem is a blessing or a curse. Potentially both. On the up side, at least you are aware that you are making other people's lives a misery, and you warn them accordingly.
On the down side, if you know that you make other people's lives a misery before you have your coffee, and you willfully continue to go all the damn way to McDonald's to get your first cup of coffee, what does that make you? Evil, maybe. A colossal jerk, definitely.
I have watched your ad repeatedly over the past few weeks. It's all over Hulu and the Daily Show commercial feed. I have had ample time to study your situation. According to my calculations, it is between half an hour to an hour after you wake up before you get your first cup of coffee.
Or is it? Let me bookmark a point of confusion. We'll circle back to it later.
Okay, so you wake up, you shower, you get dressed for work. (You save time by shaving. I applaud that, so far as it goes.) You snap at everyone you encounter. Judging by your apparel, you have an office job. Judging by the fact you commute by bus, you live in the city and either don't own a car, or don't take it to work.
Clearly, you are gainfully employed. Thus I can only speculate as to why you do not own a single coffee-making appliance, despite coffee's great importance to your life. I own several, in fact. They're really cheap and easy to find. You can pick up a French press at a thrift store for a few dollars, and a teakettle to boil water for a few dollars more.
The mystery as to why you don't own a coffee maker is one thing. A further mystery is why, if coffee is that important to you, you don't seemingly have a plan for obtaining it in the morning. Surely as you travel to work you pass several places that sell coffee. But apparently you prefer to wander along snapping at people until somehow coffee ends up in your gob.
And now the final mystery: how is it that you do not know that McDonalds serves coffee? Everyone in the whole entire world knows this. And yet you feign surprise. Your eyes even open wide, as if you're more awake just hearing about it. THIS IS CRAZY.
Mr. "Don't talk to me," I am vexed by your inability to find your way out of this predicament. Please send me your address, and I will mail you a jar of Folgers Crystals.