Before I talk about how bad this coffee is, let me walk it back a little ways and explain why I bought it in the first place. Every Sunday I spend a few hours working at an office in town. It's a third-floor walk-up, and it has no coffee maker.
I'm usually there for several hours, long enough to want a cup of coffee halfway through. Options are limited: bringing my own thermos is a huge pain. Walking all the way down and out and around the corner to buy a latte is expensive, in both money and time. So I was excited to discover that Starbucks Via instant coffee is pretty drinkable.
Except that damn, those Via packets are a little on the spendy side. They usually retail for about $1 a cup. That's not too bad, I suppose - it's cheaper than a latte, and I don't have to go to all the trouble to get one.
Still, though; I thought I could do better.
My plan was to buy some Folgers or something. Nescafe. Isn't Nescafe an instant coffee? I honestly don't know. My only other experience with instant coffee was the solid-crusted container my grandmother kept in the back of her cabinet for visitors who insisted on it.
But have you seen the price of a tub of Folgers crystals? It was about $8 for half a pound. When I did the math, I discovered that instant coffee is about five times more expensive than regular coffee. I guess that makes sense - you're paying for the convenience - but still.
Then I discovered that Winco Foods carries a house brand (Hy-Top) version of instant coffee. House brands are identical to the national brands, or so I am constantly being told by other frugalistas. Best of all, an 8-ounce jar of Hy-Top instant coffee will only set you back $4.50!
Well I am here to tell you, Starbucks Via is worth the cost. Heck, Folgers may be worth the cost. I haven't tried it yet. One thing is certain: Hy-Top instant coffee is what they serve you in Hell. If you are a very bad person, you will be doomed to an eternity of Hy-Top instant coffee.
My first hint of trouble came when I unscrewed the lid and peered inside. It didn't actually smell like coffee. It smelled a little bit like my compost heap, which does have (used) coffee grounds in it. There's a malty note, like a cheap dark beer. And an unsettling, not-quite-floral sweetness that lingers around the edges.
The flavor is only weakly coffee-like, but it has a strong malty taste. It had me studying the label to check the ingredients list. Adding more instant coffee powder to the cup only resulted in a thicker texture, almost syrupy, as if it contained a gelatin base. (It doesn't - just "100% coffee.") It creates a dark brown hot beverage with a passing reference to coffee, but it isn't nearly as successfully coffee-flavored as, say, a Coffee Nip candy.
I was left wondering, who is this product intended for? I firmly believe that every product has someone who loves it. In the case of Hy-Top instant coffee, I'm stumped. But someone must be buying it, or else they wouldn't keep selling it, right?